all letters answered. be as frank as you like. (as long as it's about servants and pregnancies)
Dear plastic paul
Please help me. My pater is having an affair with our dreadful maid who sleeps downstairs in the cellar. i have caught him creeping down there several times. he swears its just for a drink of water, but when i offer to fetch it for him, he declines. why?
mater doesn't seem to care, even though she hates the maid too!
a. younggirl (aged 14)
Plastic paul replies:
well, my girl. a cold bath and early night for you! having such impure implications about your father. that sort of talk should be brought up by one's mater when you are twenty-one, and not before! And then only if you are to be married!
why, i'd put you over my knee myself!
(pauses for a glass of water, and a very long walk)
please sir
i am but a humble maid in a modest household. i am pregnant with sextuplits and the father has buggered off somewhere. i am trying to get the master of the house to sleep with me, so i can pass them off as his.
however, he doesn't want to know. i suspect he's gay anyway. what should a poor wench do?
a.maid (aged 16)
16??? Why, that's practically on the shelf! where i was brought up, all our female servants had grandchildren by that age!
you've got some catching up to do, my girl! get more of those illegitimate brats out there! as for your master, just tell him they're his. if he wants to save face, he won't argue!
my dear sir
i am a former lady of the manor, now in reduced circumstances. my husband was not sorry to leave the estate but i was. and now i keep running off with young men - ones of my former station. what should i do?
i think you know the answer to that, madam. your place is with your husband. try to see these young men on home ground. running off with them can be expensive - and embarassing when you keep crawling home.
get them to come round for "afternoon tea" while your husband is sleeping with the maid.